I could have mohawked her pubes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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