I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
