i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
