yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
