I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize