I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
