i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
