Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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