life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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