I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
