In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
