I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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