I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize