just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
