Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
