Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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