I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
