my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
