thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i've created a new STD.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
