the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
