I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
