I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
