So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
