his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
