I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
