I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
