I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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