God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
