I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
