My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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