I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I AM VODKA MAN
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
