Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
