I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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