she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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