textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
