hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
