i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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