We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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