I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
