walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
