I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize