If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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