I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
