It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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