im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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