Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
