Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
