I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
