Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
