You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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