I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize