Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just want nice things and good sex
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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