i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
