it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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