so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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